i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
