put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
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Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
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Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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