Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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