I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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