I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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