I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
