She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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