hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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