I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
