ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
