I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
