The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
