Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
