remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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