I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
