I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
