you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
