you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
