Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
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I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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