She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
