the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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