great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
