meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
