Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I will pee on everything he values.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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