I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
