I showed him my bush... on skype.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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