Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
