So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
mondays should just be called national damage control day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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