There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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