I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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