Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
