I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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