Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
