How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
