If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I didn't notice because vodka
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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