sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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