my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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