please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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