Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
