I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just gift wrapped bread.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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