So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
