yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
