i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
