the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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