I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
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Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
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all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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