i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
