if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
