Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
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I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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