Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
