i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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