I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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