U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
