I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
