My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
