I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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