Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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