i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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