I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
