im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just found puke in my bra..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
